Monday, February 24, 2014

fantasizing about my past



Each day my biggest struggle is trying not to look back. When the future seems uncertain or if I am in a difficult situation my mind and heart tend to wander to my past and over glorify how much easier my life was. I will get quite, overwhelmed with all the medical information Scott is giving me and I will get into that dangerous place in my mind and start wishing for the days of when I was single. To wonder about the certain choices I made to bring me to where I am now.

I started to feel this way last week when Scott came home with another Doctors update. He said as a precaution his Doctors think that Judah and I should also get tested for the parasite. Since we live with each other, Judah still climbs into bed at 4 am to co-sleep and Scott has diabetes (pricks his fingers to draw blood) that we are at risk of getting the parasite. Normally I am pretty calm with Scott's medical news but this time I flipped out on him. I was angry at him, God, the Doctors and just the season of life we are in. It is already hard dealing with Scott's chronic medical illness especially with no real end in sight, but knowing that both Judah and I might have to undergo parasitic medication just put me over the edge. When is this medical stuff all going to end?  Having the weight of all of this makes it easier for that door to the past to be pushed wide open. To think about the choices I made and to wonder how it would be different if I made different ones. It is easy to look back on the past so my mind doesn't have to try to process what is going on right now.

I do this just like the Israelites did to Moses when the Egyptians came after them again in Exodus 14. They thought they were finally in the clear. They were finally headed to the promise land after years of slavery and witnessing all the plagues. Watching and hearing the Egyptians come after them must have put them over the edge just like knowing that I have to get Judah and I tested for a parasite put me over the edge. But Moses responds to their fear and says "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent." The Lord then directs Moses to open the Red Sea leading the Israelites to protection and destroying their biggest fear.  The word silent is a verb meaning to be deaf. To be deaf to all the outside input that is not from God.

What am I learning in all of this looking, waiting, trying not to be angry and waiting some more. If I am going to look at the past it is only to see where the Lord Himself has taken me from. He has commanded me to remember the former things of long past. Not to fantasize on how easier things would be if I took a different path but to see how The Lord is eternal, consistent and how He has lead me out of my valley time and time again. I am also learning that I should surround myself with people who care about us. Who care about us for who we are in the place we are at. Not for what we can give because the Lord is pulling us so deep into this season so we are unable to give anything else because we have to be so focused on Him. We literally have to look at His face for our hope. In my anger. I have to remember Psalm 141:7-8. Scott and I may feel like our bones have been scattered but our eyes have to be toward our Lord in who we take refuge. Keeping our eyes fixed on Him regardless of our circumstance.

You know. God is okay if I am angry at him. He is not okay if I desire for another path that He has not taken me on. He wants me focused on Him and the path He has chosen for me. In the big scheme of things. My present is not that bad. I am married to the most amazing man, we have the sweetest son and The Lord is teaching us things in this season of being in the trenches with Him. When Scotts medical issues get discouraging I need to capture my thoughts to not only be encouraging to my husband but to also save my soul a lot of havok by not fantasizing about my past.

{Philippians 4:8}
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.



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6 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing love! Prayers your way!!!

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  2. Unfortunately horrible things happen to even the kindest of people. And friends will tell you- that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. or god will only give to you what you can handle. But it's OK to be pissed and reply that you are OK being mildly weak and that your goal was never to have Hulk strength of emotions. Your honesty and willingness to see your life for what it is will help you get through this. You can do this. Scott can do this. And your Judah will be an incredibly resilient, loving little man because of your love and support for Scott. You got this!

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  3. I always love hearing how your process brings you back to God... every single time friend.

    Praying for you daily -- those seagulls are such a great reminder :) xoxo

    Oh and this "To be deaf to all the outside input that is not from God." -- I need to practice this too :)

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  4. Hang on dear friend. This season will change. I know it will. And I will continue to pray for you and your sweet family in the meantime. Love, love, and more love to you.

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  5. I really appreciate how honest you are. It is so easy to get caught up in my own situations and forget that God is right here with me.

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  6. Thanks for sharing this. By way of introduction, I started follow you on IG after a high school friend (Kacie Case) tagged you in a photo she shared on IG. Love the encouraging it forward stuff - such good ideas. I shared this post with a friend who really appreciated it too. So, so easy to look back and long for "easier days." I find it happens a lot for me staying at home with two boys... Like, "I used to BE somebody... Now I just deal with poop, break up fights, and feed people." God is constantly reminding me in this season of the importance of humility. Of meekness. Of gratitude. Of trusting Him. It's hard. But it's transformative when I let it be. Thanks again.

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Thank you for your comments! They encourage my heart and I read every single one of them. Please be encouraging and don't just comment or email me when you want to correct me on my grammar. When I get the "grammar correction" emails or comments they do hurt my feelings. I wouldn't want your heart to feel the way mine does after reading them.

Please check back as I try to respond to everyone who leaves a comment.