When I first met Scott I was drawn to his smile. He has the best smile. Lights up a room. Draws you in. His whole face lights up when he smiles and you find yourself smiling back. After going on four years of marriage I see those smiles less and less. Scott normally has a scowl on his face. I call it his fricker fracker old man look and Judah likes to tell Scott "turn that frown upside down". At first I thought he was frowning because of something I did wrong or that he was unhappy that he choose me to be his wife. But Scott would have these faces around Judah as well. He would tell me that he is not feeling good and is exhausted. His exhaustion would cause him to struggle with simple things like laying down on the ground to play cars with Judah or staying up to read him books before bedtime. Over the past few years I've watched my husband almost disappear. He wears a beard to hide all the weight he has lost. He will get super low blood sugars. Scary ones. Ones where he is on the floor drooling because he can't swallow or speak or ones where he leaves the house at 1 am in his pajamas and I can't chase after him because I can't leave Judah home alone. When he leaves the house I call the EMTs. Or he will get really high blood sugars that will put him in a bad mood. I sometimes feel like I can't win as his wife. I feel like no matter what I do to make it a good day that each day is a struggle for both of us. I don't know what to do to help him and Scott is normally in so much pain that it would be best if I don't ask him a million questions on how he is feeling. But I hate seeing him in so much pain and I miss his smile and my heart longs to hear him laugh. I completely love my husband and would do anything for him but sometimes I feel like I am putting up this wall because I am fearful that I may lose him too soon. I will find myself staying up till 4 am, unable to sleep, wondering what the next day will bring and then forcing my heart to just be thankful that at that moment my husband is sleeping next to me. But sometimes my worry overcomes me. Scott sees so many Doctors. To find out why his blood sugars are so out of whack, why he can't keep on any weight or why his back and kidneys hurt all the time. His kidney Doctor has been running tests for the past month and a half. He thinks that Scott may have lupus nephritis of the kidney. Prayerfully that diagnosis will come back negative.
I know this post is a ramble jumble mess of thoughts and I know many people out there struggle with much worse. That is why I rarely bring up Scott's daily health struggles on social media. I just feel like lately its getting harder and harder for me to hide behind my smile. What I have been thinking about is that just because we look normal on the outside doesn't mean that every day isn't a struggle with us. I struggle with knowing how to respond to my husband. Especially after a hard day with Judah. I struggle with trying to explain to Judah why his daddy doesn't feel well enough to read books to him or why daddy needs a break when he hasn't seen him all day. I struggle with sometimes feeling like the most lonely person in the world. I struggle with the feeling that I am failing as Scott's wife. This past week was especially hard because Judah was also sick. I can deal with a head cold and a fever but when Judah is throwing up while Scott is hurting its just overwhelming. I feel like every molecule in my body is just heavy from the stress of the uncertainty of Scott's health on top of me trying to disinfect everything in my house because it smells like throw up.
Last night I was reading my bible. I write notes in the margin of my bible and find it soothing to go back to read how the Lord has walked through different valleys and peaks with me. I came across some verses that I underlined when I was single before I even knew who Scott was. I assumed these verses were promises for the future Jessica. The Jessica that would be married and happy with lots of children. I thought I would never experience loneliness or heartbreak once I was married. That life would be full of laughter and smiles. As I was rereading these verses in Psalms again last night I thought The Lord had a different meaning that I couldn't fully understand with out being in the valley. He didn't promise that I would never be lonely again. He promised that He would be with me in times of trouble. I am not lonely because The Lord is with me. He never promised a life free of heartbreak. Instead He promised that He will answer me when I call upon Him, that He will walk with me even in the valley of the shadow of death and that He will comfort me. He will walk with me. Comfort my heart. Speak His truth into my life. He will never leave nor forsake us.
I love Scott more today then I did on that day when he won my heart over with his smile. Those smiles are rare but I cherish them more. My heart leaps at hearing him laugh and I treasure each good day like it is gold. Even though my husband struggles daily with medical issues and this struggle affects every aspect of our life I am in awe of Scott's relationship with the Lord. I am humbled by how Scott brings his daily brokenness before the Lord and leans on Him. Its not the outward appearance of Scott like his smile that draws me to him, but his heart.
Job 13:15 (NASB)
Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.