Friday, November 22, 2013

our nighttime reality

There are many nights my heart breaks for Judah. His favorite person in the entire world is his daddy. Each morning when he wakes up the first words out of his mouth are "where is my daddy?". Each person we interact with through out the day Judah will tell them "I miss my daddy" and when Scott finally pulls in from work Judah runs outside to hug him and will not leave his side all night. Judah adores Scott. It makes my heart swell when I see him holding onto his daddy and never letting him out of his sight. 

We have a nighttime routine with Judah. If Scott is in a lot of pain he will go upstairs and try to grab a nap either before or during dinner. I keep Judah extra distracted and try my best to explain that "daddy doesn't feel well and needs to rest". After Scott's power nap he will come downstairs and help out with Judah while I go upstairs to crochet for about an hour (to get a little me time). Around 7:45 Scott will bring Judah upstairs and we will either give him a bath together or Scott will read to him. I know if Scott is having a really bad night when he can't read an entire book with Judah (like tonight). When I hear Scott struggling with his words I know that is my cue to step in to help out. At first when Judah realizes that Scott can't read any more books he completely freaks out. He wants his daddy time and he thinks that I am stealing that time away from him. He will get these big crocodile tears in his eyes and his lip will start to quiver as he says "I want daddy to read to me! Not mommy!". Scott at this point is typically lying down with his arms crossed and his face in pain. He is unable to respond to Judah's cries. I assure Judah that I am not stealing daddy away from him. That instead of just daddy reading we are going to hang out all together. That he can lay down next to daddy and even hold his hand and I am going to read him EXTRA books. This normally calms Judah down. Afterward Judah gives daddy one more hug and I take him to bed. He cries the entire time. Not a scream whiny cry but a sad heartbreaking cry because he doesn't understand why his daddy can't respond to him, why he can't read to him and why he can't tuck him in. All Judah is thinking are those four words that break my heart through out the day "I miss my daddy". Judah will come out of bed a few times and ask Scott for extra hugs, beg for Scott to tuck him in and wrap him up tight (like a burrito) and when he realizes that Daddy is not feeling well he will then ask for mommy hugs when I carry him back into bed. 

Knowing that Judah's heart is hurting just wrecks mine. When my sweet little boy has his head nestled against my neck as he is hugging me tight I whisper that it is going to be ok and tomorrow will be a better day. As I whisper those words into my sweet boys ear my heart wonders, will Scott ever be ok. 

Our weekends are like gold and I am happy that Judah wont be asking me tomorrow "where did daddy go, I miss him" because he will be with us all day long.  

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  1. My hearts aching. May I ask why your husband is unwell? I dont understand.. Maybe I should visit here more often so I have some idea of whats going on. I love the way you write Jess, so honest and raw. Praying for you guys xx

  2. While reading this my heart was breaking for Judah. I hope that the doctors figure out what is wrong with your husband and that he gets to feeling better.


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