Each night after Judah is freshly bathed, smelling like sweet lavender and cuddled up close for some bedtime stories I like to talk to him about all the wonderful things we did for the day. I ask him "Judah do you remember who we played with today","Do you remember those trucks on our run" or "remember how we picked out those books at the library". I like to recall all the good things that happened throughout our day. I feel that this is my way of bonding and affirming that mommy and daddy want good for him. That we want him to be happy and yet we will discipline him if he does something that he shouldn't be doing. Like throwing dirt in the sky to make dust clouds or running away from me in the parking lot.
Today I received another batch of texts from my birth mother. She tends to text me every other month. This time it was to tell me that she never loved her children and that she doesn't care that she abandoned us when we were so young. Even though this is what is to be expected from my volatile mother it still stung my heart. Especially since I just spent an hour on the phone with her this week talking her out of self injury again. Growing up with I was used to being told daily by my birth mother what I did wrong and how she hurt herself because of her children. I still have it burned in my head the image of my drunken mother who OD'd on her medication screaming at me in the emergency room "I do this because of you! I hate you!". Children will not forget the words of their parents.
That is why I daily remind Judah of good things. I remind him over and over again how much I love him and that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am doing what the Lord does for us. The Lord he does not retain His anger forever because He delights in unchanging love, He will again have compassion on us (Micah 7:18-19). He has us recall the former good things he has done for us (Isaiah 46:9). He will quiet you with His love (Zephaniah 3:17) He will not forget us, He has inscribed us on the palms of His hands and we are always before Him (Isaiah 49:14) we are the apple of His eye (Zechariah 2:8). All over scripture the Lord continually reminds us of how faithful He is, how much He loves us, how He will fight for us and how He will save us. Yes in my shame I put Jesus on that cross, but His death takes away my shame forever.
In being parents we are to die to self, to give unconditionally and to discipline in love.
After receiving the text bombs from my mother I drove Judah out to the library to check out some new books. On the way home our tradition is to stop by Starbucks to read a book together while we sit on the couches. While I was parking Judah started singing in my backseat "bless The Lord oh my soul ohhhh my soul" and I turn around to look at him he says "mama I love that song, bless The Lord oh my soul!!"
Then I started crying. The Lord knew I needed to hear Judah sing this. He was reminding me of His great love for both my son and myself. In that moment I completely forgot the words of my mother and I was able to embrace the love that was being poured out into my heart.