I've always wondered why certain people are just filled with joy. You know the type of person who you just want to sit in their presence and drink up the joy that exudes from their heart. I've always wondered what is their secret is and how do I acquire this spirit of joy. Years I've tried to hold onto this counterfeit joy. Its a fleeting joy that I pretend my heart is full of and that I don't struggle with hurts or failures. But pretending that I have joy will only get me so far. Until something really hurts me and I find myself grasping for joy like a toddler chasing after a balloon he accidentally let go of.
Judah has recently started to tell me throughout the day "mommy, I'm happy, I'm a happy boy". He would say this to me in his sweet toddler voice and since he is my son I would stop and actually listen to him. Not only would I listen but I would try to see what is making him so happy, because like any mother I want to recreate what ever is giving my boy joy. Like when we would go on walks and he would look up and say "mama the sun is out, the sun makes me happy". Or the other day I watched Judah get out of the car after an exhausting trip to the post office. He didn't mind the blistering heat that was making us rush to get indoors to cool off. He had a sweet round face full of joy as ran to the sidewalk and placed the truck he had clenched in his tiny hand onto the cement and drove it up to our porch. He was only focused on what was bringing him joy.
Judah is teaching me that sometimes I just rush past joy. That I am longing to "experience" life so badly that I sometimes forget to stop and enjoy life. I believe Judah doesn't have to search for joy because he is not focused on all the worries of this world. He is focused on the sun shining down on this face, the truck in his tiny hands and he has no worries what so ever.
A main reason why its so hard for me to embrace joy is because I feel like I am always working on trying to win the Lords approval or the approval of others. I always feel that I am just "not good enough". As I am reflecting on my never ending need for joy and my continual judgement of self I came across this verse that I highlighted in my bible years ago.
he delights in unchanging love
The Lord delights in his unchanging love. His unchanging love for me. If I cease to worry about things he has cast into the depths of the sea. If instead I embrace joy, see this world through my child's eyes, encourage those around me and spread as much love as I can. Then the uncertainty of feeling not good enough ceases to exist and I find myself increasingly savoring the joy of being more than good enough. I'm no longer rushing past joy, Im embracing it.
(please click twice to vote for our blog)