Sunday, May 12, 2013

it all changed

Growing up I hated mothers day. I always had that anxious feeling of wondering where my mom was living, was she thinking of me and was I ever going to hear from her. As a little girl I would write her long drawn out letters letting her know about this mother hole in my heart that I had and a desire for her to be the mother I wanted her to be and fill it. She never tried and she broke our hearts over and over again. My step mom Dyan was wonderful in stepping in and raising me and my siblings and letting us know how much she loved and cared for us. But even today as a grown woman, I still find myself having the occasional conversation with my sister asking her "do you think mom ever truly cared for us" "why did she treat us the way that she did" and "why did she abandon us". Questions that will probably never be answers and that I need to find peace for in my heart.

In my adult life it was hard to find my value in anything. I often questioned close friends of mine "what is the point of everything, why does God even have me around". I believe I had a lot of these questions because I felt abandoned at an early age by my parents. I strived to be the best employee, friend or encourager but I always always felt that God made a mistake and that I truly didn't have a purpose in life. That all changed on December 10, 2010 when Judah was first placed in my arms. I found my purpose in life and that was to be his mother.

I truly believe that The Lord has blessed with with an extra special son. Judah is by far one of the sweetest and happiest boys I know. Of course he has his occasional tantrums just like any other toddler and some days I just want to cry in frustration. But for the most part he is always trying to make the day a better day. Asking people how they are doing, blowing kisses or saying "hi" to that person who looks like they need a smile. Judah has given me a purpose in life and I daily see how his sweet and loving nature impacts the lives of those around him.

When I start a crochet project I always wonder at first "Will this turn out right, it looks kinda funny" but after awhile the project will take shape and I will be able to see clearly this beautiful thing I am creating. I believe that is how my journey has been. I had no idea where The Lord was taking me with my life, I thought He made a mistake and to be honest things looked a little funky. After awhile things started to take shape and I am seeing this beautiful purpose in life that The Lord has given me. To be Judah's mother.

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  1. Wonderful post, Jess! you are a fabulous mother and you have been gifted a very sweet boy. happy Mothers Day!

  2. Your pictures are so cute! Hang in there. God is an amazing God--I am just learning to trust him.

    Your blog posts always encourage me to keep going and to not give up! Hugs!

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  4. I just love the sweet mother that you are. You're a great example to me through your blog, and I really admire you. :) Thanks for setting such a beautiful example of motherhood and love towards others.


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