Judah is now at a stage where he is testing every sort of boundary with me, over and over and over again. This past weekend he has screamed at us, tantrum thrown himself onto the floor, thrown things and spit out his food. When we place him into time out he will either scream or look at us with these big alligator tears and say "I sad mommy, itsa accident". Its hard not to let him sit there the full two minutes when he looks so remorseful and sad.
Today after his nap I took him to the backyard to play with his sand table. He knows the rules, no throwing sand and do not take the sand out of the box and dump it onto the ground. I sat on a chair next to him with my crochet and before you know it he is shoveling out big piles of sand onto the ground. I say "Judah Judkins, you know you are not supposed to do that, do you want a time out?"
he says "noooo" and then I say "okay then play nice and do not dump out the sand, keep it in the sand box", then he does it again and again and again. I brought him inside twice for a "time out" in which he said he was sorry and "no dumps". But he continued to take out the sand and dump it onto the ground. In my frustration I thought "I give up, why in the world do I care if he dumps out all of his sand. Its ridiculous that I have to correct him this many times for sand dumping. But I thought I don't want him to dump out the sand because he wont be able to enjoy his sandbox anymore with out the sand in it". Then for some reason I started to wonder if this is how the Lord gets frustrated with me when I continue to do something that is absolutely ridiculous.
I feel like rebellion could have been my middle name growing up. I went against the grain on just about everything I did, including my faith. I always felt like I was in the middle of an epic tug of war with the Lord. Not wanting to do things His way, not wanting to listen to Him and just essentially ignoring Him and putting Him in a box tucked away somewhere that I could reach when I needed Him the most. I know this is not what He wants from me, He does not want my heart to be in the middle of a tug of war with Him.
While I am feeling frustrated over having this tug of war over sand with my son, I started to see how the Lord is frustrated with me over MY tug of war with Him. How ridiculous I must look to Him when all He is trying to show me is a better way.
I may not have won my sandbox tug of war with my son today, but he was able to give me a better understanding to my own little tug of war that goes on daily with in my heart. Maybe if I gave up on my tug of war with the Lord and ask him for help with my son, he would be able to show me how to work with my son and his little tug of war with me.