Sunday, November 18, 2012

marriage is not a band aid

Years before I met Scott I prayed that if it was the Lords will for me to be married that He would provide a Godly husband for me. I was still on the fence about marriage and always felt the strong tug in my heart to go back to work with the children in the garbage slums of Cairo again. So I was truly surprised when Scott came into my life. 

  I had the wrong expectations going into marriage. I assumed  that marrying Scott, a strong Godly man who I love and respected, that my love for him would cover over any hurts that were done to my heart before I even met him. I thought I could ignore the pain and trauma in my past and that it wouldn't affect my relationship with my husband. That marriage would be my spiritual band aid. 

I was wrong. 

In marriage we are displaying our love for God by loving our spouses unconditionally. I was still struggling with why God allowed certain things to happen to me in my past and this struggle with God affected my heart and sometimes made it hard for me to display my love towards my husband. My heart hurt over memories that would be triggered inadvertently by my husband and my night terrors got worse after I had Judah. So I started seeing a therapist to help me heal from past trauma and to help me see that Scott is not part of my past and that he is not my father who will hurt me. 

Marriage is not a spiritual band aid in fact marriage will bring issues from your past to the surface. I do not regret marrying my husband and I truly believe the Lord wants us to be together as husband and wife.  I do wish that I had the courage to work out some of the past hurts before we were engaged instead of being in fear that Scott wouldn't want to marry me if I tried to work on myself. Over the past three years my husband has shown me what it looks like to be in a marriage. He has loved me unconditionally, stood by me when I hated myself,  given me the courage to heal from my past, put my needs before his own and will do anything for me and our son. His love for the Lord and our family has changed my life. I believe that the struggles the Lord has allowed us to walk through over the past three years has drawn us closer to Him and closer to each other. 

Marriage is not a spiritual band aid, but an iron that sharpens iron, a mirror that reflects the deepest pools of our heart and a best friend to hold your hand and encourage you on your path. 

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  1. Such a powerful message Jess, love this post!

  2. I'm a regular reader, and for very personal and similar reasons, I really needed to read this post. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one out there who has seen my past interfere with my present. The part about some things getting worse after having your child has really hit home for me. Thank you so much for reminding me what a good person my husband is, and how what has happened to me is not his fault. I have a lot to be thankful for. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  3. Jess-
    Thank you so much for sharing this. Marriage isn't always, 100% of the time, blue birds and hearts...thank you for letting us all know that it's okay. Also--I love that you mention seeing a therapist. There is such a stigma attached to publicly talking about therapy...I don't know why...because my therapist has a packed schedule, so you know so many people are going. The more we open up the dialogue, the better.
    Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. Such a powerful post! I have my own issues that didn't go away with marriage. And maybe I thought that Evan and I would no longer argue because marriage equals unending love, right? I think too many people use this as an excuse, a coverall. And it isn't a bandaid. It's not an instant fixer-upper that makes all bad things go away. I just love this. And maybe really needed to hear it today.

  5. Thanks for posting and sharing! Definitely have to adjust my view of my marriage. I thought pretty much the same thing and 7 years later I'm more of a mess than I ever was. I think I've finally hit the bottom and I'm ready to really do the work I need to be healthier.
    One worry that pops up in my mind is that if I change, become healthier, etc will my husband still love the "new" me? Its a lie, I know but one that has kept me from changing for a long time. I'm clinging to God's truth right now and making the steps to be the person He created me to be. :)
    Good for you doing the work and its good to hear the Scott has been by your side!

  6. All I can say is this was wonderful to read!

  7. Wow, this is a really personal post. good for you. I'm sorry that you're struggling with past things. Marriage doesn't make it go away, but having someone that you love and trust and someone that supports you can help you heal <3 take care, dear.

    xox, amber

  8. Wow that is a powerful word Jess. Thank you.


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