Monday, October 29, 2012

birthdays....forever changed

I'll be honest, if you read back on my journals you will see that I am depressed the week of my birthday. I actually used to call this week my suicide prevention week. Each day leading up to my birthday I would get more and more depressed and afterwards I would make some really bad decisions in my life. I absolutely hate my birthday because I hated the day I was born. Growing up my parents always forgot my birthday so as a child I felt that I wasn't significant enough to be celebrated, that my life wasn't important and that I shouldn't have been born. As a young adult when people would bring up my birthday I would feel a sharp pain in my heart and would have to bite the inside of my cheeks so I wouldn't cry in front of them. I hated my birthday and I hated to be reminded that I was forgotten and alone. 

My husband doesn't understand this. He grew up in a very different home than I did and his mother makes sure everyone is celebrated on the day that they were born. I love this about her and I want to make sure that Judah is celebrated each year if not day of his life. So yesterday for the first time I allowed my in laws to celebrate me. Honestly I felt sick to my stomach before hand. I didn't know what to expect but I trust that the Lord intends for good in my life and I trust my new family. 

The Lord gave me the greatest gift yesterday, the gift of being able to enjoy my family and to accept the love they have for me. He gave me the gift of friendship, quality time, laughter and joy. 

At the end of the day, I wasn't sad or depressed like I have been in the past. I felt this sweet peace of belonging and being loved and accepted by my family who wanted to celebrate me.

over come
You speak my name
no longer numb
not the same
a swelling glimmer
reflected light
redeemed sinner
clothed in white 
written by Jessica West Judkins

 I am grateful that I will no longer look upon my birthday week full of dread, wondering if my dad or mom will give me a call (they didn't call me yesterday). I no longer have to live my life numb to this world, fearful that someone may hurt my heart.  Instead the Lord wants my heart to be open to the wonderful blessings he has in store for me and one of the blessings is an amazing family who wants to be part of my life. 

I am forever changed. 

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  1. So happy that you made this breakthrough, love. You've been through so much, you earned a whole week just devoted to you :)

  2. You're amazing, Jess! So glad you were surrounded by loved ones! Happy birthday!

  3. You're a fabulous mama for choosing to make things different for you little one. xoxo

  4. Happy Birthday Jess! Good for you for letting your loved ones shower you with appreciation and celebration on your special day. God has planned you from the beginning and has celebrated every day of your life. My heart hurts for your past but rejoices in the life you are living for Him and for your sweet family. Happies birthday to you, pretty lady! :)

  5. so glad you had such a great birthday, you truly deserve it! every birthday should always be celebrated and i'm so happy to hear you have so many loved ones to celebrate with :) my husband's family is a very similar situation and it breaks my heart ever year, but i try my best and so does my family to make him feel so loved because he truly makes our hearts full. thank you for sharing friend!

  6. Happy birthday! May you have many joyous years to come.

    I can really relate to this post. I've never had a birthday party. Every year (as a child) I would ask my parents for one. They always told me it was too cold for a party. My birthday is in December. The possibility of an indoor event wasn't up for discussion either. I was allowed to have one or two friends sleep over. For several years I took what I could get, but the embarassment of my alcoholic father put an end to the sleep overs. This is why, no matter how broke we are, I make sure my daughter is celebrated every year. Everyone deserves to know how loved they are. God bless you, Jess.

  7. Hi Jess,
    I have just found your sweet blog. I liked your post and I understand about birthdays. My parents were always too busy working and I always felt like a pain when it was my birthday.

    Then in my twenties and thirties I shared my birthday with a friends daughter. So we always did something for her, but my celebrations were always relegated to a brunch or a cheap meal out, yet when it was my friends special day we always went out somewhere fancy.

    My mum died seven years ago, and she always did something nice for me and my brother. Since she has been gone I sometimes get a phone call from my dad, but never a card although sometimes there is a belated gift six months later.

    I have made my piece with it, but like you I know that others don't really understand why you don't enjoy your birthday. You are not alone, there are lots of us in the club with you.

    Julie Q

  8. What a beautiful post full of the bitter truth. My heart ached for you but so happy God was able to show you the truth! Oh happy day!

  9. I'm only a few days late, but happy birthday sweet friend!!

  10. Jess I'm so glad you had a happy birthday! My sisters and I always get the birthday blues. And although I don't know exactly why yours has been hard in the past isn't it good to know that the future doesn't have to be that way?
    I don't comment much but I love seeing how devoted you are to your wonderful little son and husband.
    You are a daughter of God and the good news is that He'll ALWAYS call you on your birthday :)


Thank you for your comments! They encourage my heart and I read every single one of them. Please be encouraging and don't just comment or email me when you want to correct me on my grammar. When I get the "grammar correction" emails or comments they do hurt my feelings. I wouldn't want your heart to feel the way mine does after reading them.

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