I haven't made the past two years for my husband very easy, actually I sometimes suck at marriage. Our engagement period set off a bunch of triggers in my past and I felt like a crazy person. Trying to plan a wedding under $3,000 with over 300 guests when I didn't have a father who would contribute while I was working for pennies in full time ministry was a very stressful thing. Also I did not want my father at the wedding, I did not want him walking me down the aisle yet I was to scared to voice my opinion to my fiancé. Instead I was this crazy tornado of emotions.
While Scott has always prayed for a wife. I always prayed for a family. I guess I never thought the Lord would actually give me a husband and a family.
I didn't know what a family would look like and I was scared of what to expect. I could go back in my journals to just remind myself of how my mother treated me....but that just set off triggers of worthlessness and abandonment.
I was scared to have any type of intimate relationship with anyone. I had a deep yearning inside for these relationships in my life, but that yearning scared me so much I ended up pushing people away.
After we were married Scott lived with the real me. I couldn't hide from issues that came up from my past. I couldn't hide how the texts from my mother or lack of phone calls from my father affected me. I couldn't hide that I was scared out of my mind to be a mother because deep down inside all I wanted was to be a wife, mother and to have a family. I wanted with everything inside of me to be a Judkins. Yet I was scared to admit or to fully embrace that. So I pushed my husband away.
But Scott fought for me. He fought for my heart. Even though I know I hurt him with my words he would never retaliate against me. Instead he would fight for me, by leaving random notes of encouragement around the house, letting me know how blessed he is to have me in his life. I would think, your blessed by having me who pushes you away? Although I couldn't comprehend it I would pick up the note and tuck it in somewhere safe where I would read in secret. Just trying to stay aloof to not appear that he affected my heart. He always spoke kind words to me, would tell me I was beautiful when I couldn't lose all my pregnancy weight, would tell me I was a great mom when I was in tears after a super frustrating day with Judah, would hug me and tell me that he loved me. I didn't understand any of it, but Scott said one day I will.
The past few days we have all be sick as a family. Staying in doors, only going out to get food or medicine. Something about being sick triggers bad memories as a kid. We never went to the Dr's because we couldn't afford it, we barely could afford over the counter medicine. But Scott made sure we had all the medicine, teas, and healthy food that we needed. He assured me that everything is going to be okay and that he is not going to let anything happen to Judah or myself. Then I realized why is everything that is inside of me try to fight against Scotts good intentions towards me. Why am I just not trusting that his intentions are indeed good, that Scott indeed loves me and wants to for the rest of his life. He is not going to abandon me like my mother or father did.
Instead of pushing away it just feels so good to finally rest my bones with my husband. To know that we will grow old together and that we will enjoy raising our kids together.
I guess what I am here to say is I may suck at marriage. I can get selfish sometimes and just really stink at communicating with my husband. I'll get frustrated that even though I am explaining the color blue he thinks I am explaining the color yellow. My marriage is teaching me how to learn to love unconditionally, to accept love and to teach our son love. Its the hardest thing I've ever done, but its definitely something worth fighting for.