Today I am guest posting over at Kelly's blog.
I thought my years of working in ministry would have helped heal my heart and would have prepared me for when I got pregnant with Judah, our sweet little honeymoon baby. What I wasn’t prepared for was the isolation from the people I used to work with and from people who I thought were dear friends. We fell through the cracks. The people I thought would be there for us were just to busy making sure others knew they mattered to God. So I fell into the darkest depression I’ve ever experienced and since I was already working through some childhood issues with my therapist I started to get angry with God and I wanted nothing to do with Him. Every Tuesday night as I sat in my car outside of my therapists office I would cry and scream to God “its unfair that I have to work through this crap, I didn’t ask for a mother and father that didn’t want me and I don’t know why people abandoned me, I am so angry with you”.
Over the past two years of struggling with hurt and abandonment from the church and some believers I’ve come to realize is:
Summum Bonum. God is the highest good. Psalm 119:68 “you are good and do good” The Lord is good, therefore all he does must be good no matter how it looks and honestly I can’t wait for the day when I can see the full picture. Right now I can only see my past and compare that to what is going on right now. But if I fill my head and heart with the word I am able to clearly see that God is good and has a reason for what I am going through.
I have to trust on Gods truth long enough until it becomes a belief system in my heart. Then I will be able to automatically act and think in the light of His truth. Psalm 43:4 “Oh send out Your light and Your truth, let them led me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places.“
During the time of healing when your heart is grafting to Christ’s heart and your not fully healed from past trauma. If a believer hurts you it doesn’t mean the entire church has abandoned you. It just feels that way. Trust that the Lord will not only wipe your tears away and heal your broken heart but also trust that He will bring the right people into your life to encourage you on your walk. Joshua 1:5 “I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.”
When I am feeling broken and wounded, when the air can’t fill my lungs fast enough and past regrets try to cling to my soul like old mold. I have to remember that no one and no issue can ever snatch me from Gods hand. John 10:28 “I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. “
Altered in my brokenness
In the light of Your divine love
Faithful you are in righteousness
Although afflicted I look to you above.
-written by Jess West Judkins
It has taken me two years to fully want to open my heart and immerse myself in fellowship with Gods people. In these two years I’ve learned that God has allowed these hurts to come my way, that they have changed my heart so I am able to cling onto Him more instead of trusting what His people do and think of me. All I have to do is remember He is good, trust in His truth long enough so it becomes a belief system, just because a believer hurts you doesn’t mean all believers are bad and know that nothing can take me away from His loving hands. God will bring the right people into our lives at the right time. He has allowed me to pull away for a season to wrestle with Him as he heals my heart.