Everyone has their own personal view and or relationship on what they believe in. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and I worked in full time ministry for over five years. During those five years I dedicated my life to the needs of others not only in the Women's and Small Group Ministry but I also volunteered in the Student Ministry. With work and volunteering combined I was at the church over 60 hours a week. Always on call, phone by my side in case one of my students needed to talk or if something had to be printed, designed or entered into the computer. My job was my family, I lost myself in it and I put it on a pedestal and it got to the point where it was not healthy.
Once I became pregnant with Judah, my husband I and prayerfully decided that I shouldn't be working in full time ministry. We were newly married and barely seeing each other because I was working so much. My husband still had his movement disorder and I had to make decisions each morning, should I be the perfect employee that my job wants me to be and leave my husband who is having spasms at home to be at work on time or be the good wife and stay with my husband till the spasms subsided. I was so drenched in my people pleasing mentality that I almost felt like I couldn't make a decision. I was overwhelmed. So the Lord made a decision for me by allowing me to get pregnant and not work at McLean Bible Church.
When I left working at the church, the support system that I thought I had almost completely disappeared. My heart was so hurt from feelings of abandonment that I stopped going to church. I encouraged my husband to go but he didn't want to "leave me behind". After some events including the birth of Judah I started some intense trauma counseling. I realized that all these feelings of feeling abandoned by people were intensified in me because I was abandoned during childhood. In the past year I took a "real break" from God. I was so absolutely angry with him for allowing things to happen to me as a child, things that I had no way of defending myself because I was so little and because of that I wanted nothing to do with Him. I was angry at God that he gave Scott a better family life then I had growing up. I wrestled with "did God really love me". I knew in my heart that He is real but that made me more angry at God because I questioned why wasn't I protected better by Him. It was on the forefront of my mind at all times. It didn't help that I "didn't feel loved from certain believers" instead I felt judgement. When I asked some of my co-workers who I reached out for help "why didn't they help" I was given a list of excuses. I felt abandoned by people who were supposed to be in my life, by friends, by family by God.
Now lets fast forward. Scott and I have been married for a little over two years. I've been out of ministry during this time and I've been in trauma counseling for over a year. The Lord knocked off some things that were pedestals in my heart. In the past year He has hand picked some of the most encouraging women I have ever met and have allowed them to encourage and love on me in such a way that my heart has started to heal. He has allowed me to forgive...not only forgive people but also to forgive Him. My heart needed to forgive Him.
I am writing this because Scott and I have decided to start attending his childhood church with his family. Its taken me two years of the Lord healing my heart to get me to this point. I never stopped being a believer, I just needed a break. I needed to give myself permission to wrestle this out with the Lord.
This past Sunday we dropped Judah off in his first Sunday school class. He took one look at the classroom filled with children his age and screamed "TRUCKS!" and wiggled out of our arms towards the kids and toys. He did wonderful, didn't want to leave when we came to pick him up.
I look forward to Sundays now and so does my sweet little family.