Monday, July 9, 2012

my spiritual life in the past two years

Everyone has their own personal view and or relationship on what they believe in. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and I worked in full time ministry for over five years. During those five years I dedicated my life to the needs of others not only in the Women's and Small Group Ministry but I also volunteered in the Student Ministry. With work and volunteering combined I was at the church over 60 hours a week. Always on call, phone by my side in case one of my students needed to talk or if something had to be printed, designed or entered into the computer. My job was my family, I lost myself in it and I put it on a pedestal and it got to the point where it was not healthy. 

Once I became pregnant with Judah, my husband I and prayerfully decided that I shouldn't be working in full time ministry. We were newly married and barely seeing each other because I was working so much. My husband still had his movement disorder and I had to make decisions each morning, should I be the perfect employee that my job wants me to be and leave my husband who is having spasms at home to be at work on time or be the good wife and stay with my husband till the spasms subsided. I was so drenched in my people pleasing mentality that I almost felt like I couldn't make a decision. I was overwhelmed. So the Lord made a decision for me by allowing me to get pregnant and not work at McLean Bible Church. 

When I left working at the church, the support system that I thought I had almost completely disappeared. My heart was so hurt from feelings of abandonment that I stopped going to church. I encouraged my husband to go but he didn't want to "leave me behind". After some events including the birth of Judah I started some intense trauma counseling. I realized that all these feelings of feeling abandoned by people were intensified in me because I was abandoned during childhood. In the past year I took a "real break" from God. I was so absolutely angry with him for allowing things to happen to me as a child, things that I had no way of defending myself because I was so little and because of that I wanted nothing to do with Him.  I was angry at God that he gave Scott a better family life then I had growing up. I wrestled with "did God really love me". I knew in my heart that He is real but that made me more angry at God because I questioned why wasn't I protected better by Him. It was on the forefront of my mind at all times. It didn't help that I "didn't feel loved from certain believers" instead I felt judgement. When I asked some of my co-workers who I reached out for help "why didn't they help" I was given a list of excuses.  I felt abandoned by people who were supposed to be in my life, by friends, by family by God. 

 Now lets fast forward. Scott and I have been married for a little over two years. I've been out of ministry during this time and I've been in trauma counseling for over a year. The Lord knocked off some things that were pedestals in my heart. In the past year He has hand picked some of the most encouraging women I have ever met and have allowed them to encourage  and love on me in such a way that my heart has started to heal. He has allowed me to forgive...not only forgive people but also to forgive Him. My heart needed to forgive Him.

I am writing this because Scott and I have decided to start attending his childhood church with his family.  Its taken me two years of the Lord healing my heart to get me to this point. I never stopped being a believer, I just needed a break. I needed to give myself permission to wrestle this out with the Lord. 

This past Sunday we dropped Judah off in his first Sunday school class. He took one look at the classroom filled with children his age and screamed "TRUCKS!" and wiggled out of our arms towards the kids and toys. He did wonderful, didn't want to leave when we came to pick him up. 



I look forward to Sundays now and so does my sweet little family. 





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8 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're healing and can enjoy going to church again.

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  2. So glad you are healing, and have found a new church home! Sending blessings to your hear and spirit sweetie!
    Love you,
    Maggie

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  3. Reading your profile and then reading your post just resonated with me! You're like the "every girls best friend" type girl! I love it! This post resonated with me because hubs and I are definitely going through some church issues right now. I've always been into volunteering in the community and seeking more ways to get involved with whichever church I belonged to where I lived. Lately though, I've seen my friends outside of church coming through for me more than what you would think church family would, among other things that are a bigger deal... any way. It's tough. I appreciate what you've come through, it encourages me to stick it out. When hubby and I were talking about all of it over bfast this morning I just started crying because I'm so fed up, I told him I feel like giving up (ont he church seen...). thank God hub's is stronger than me! Any way, thanks again for sharing!

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  4. that was really special to read. thank you for being so open and honest with your blogging community. you sound like the cutest little mama, and these challenges can only make us stronger. a soul like that will draw good people in and keep them around.

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  5. I've been "wrestling" with understanding where I stand with God for some time now. I've aquired a bitter taste in my mouth for church. Every one I've ever been to was full of fake people. The last one I attended for seven years, and only a handful of people could even tell you my name. I hate seeing the money hungry turn a church into something it was never meant to be, a business. So onward I search for real spirituality.

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  6. I am not religious but my mum is and I like to see what a personal thing her faith is for her. Although I'm not religious, I went to Sunday School my whole childhood so know a lot about Christianity and the bible. I think it's still important to learn about religion as a child so you have all the information and can make your own decisions. What a great post x

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  7. There should really be some support group for church workers and ministers! :) Oh the stories we could tell. I had similar experiences, but just kept going to church and kept growing more and more bitter. God thankfully showed me that we are all sinners in need of discipleship. I can disciple others, and I need others to disciple me too, and I can't connect my angry feelings toward ordinary humans with God, sigh. Why do we do that? Who knows? Anyway, glad things are better for you!

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  8. We really should all get together and share our stories! I was convinced that I was supposed to be in full-time ministry for the rest of my life. I was a religion major, and I was a children's minister for years. My last church job ended horribly and I bore the scars for a long time. I still bear the scars.

    I found a church eventually that helped me begin the road to healing. We've since moved and we have to start over, but we are in a better place than when we began!

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Thank you for your comments! They encourage my heart and I read every single one of them. Please be encouraging and don't just comment or email me when you want to correct me on my grammar. When I get the "grammar correction" emails or comments they do hurt my feelings. I wouldn't want your heart to feel the way mine does after reading them.

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