Monday, May 28, 2012

a weeping heart




Up until recently my husband rarely saw me cry. Its not that I didn't want to cry, I was just raised in a home where my father would put me down or beat me for crying or showing any type of emotion that wasn't happy. This left me with the inability to cry in front of people and I would sometimes appear aloof. When things or people would hurt my heart and make me want to cry I would normally wait till I'm in the shower when no one can hear me and bawl my eyes out. Over a year ago I decided to start going to trauma counseling. I knew I needed this for awhile, especially because of my past. Im a big advocate for anyone regardless of your past to go to counseling. I always thought my past wasn't "as bad as others" it wasn't "as bad as the children I worked with in third world countries" I didn't "sleep in the garbage slums" and I "drank clean water". On one of my missions trips to Egypt we worked with the children who lived in the garbage slums and stayed with them for almost two weeks. I realized, I have so much in common with these girls. When I was with them my heart started to weep, then I started to hug them  and they would hug me back and we would cry. We barely understood each others language, but they knew and I knew, we were the same, we had similar wounded hearts and similar pasts. We hugged and we cried. 

Slowly by going through counseling and actually allowing myself to heal from the trauma of the awful things my father and mother did to me. I noticed my heart was starting to change. It was like I was telling the little Jessica that was hiding, that stuffed her feelings, that wore a brave face and wouldn't cry when her father beat her. I was telling her "Jessica its okay to cry". 

Then the floodgates opened up. I now cry at everything! Every Hallmark commercial, every rainbow in the sky, when ever I see someone wearing one of my hats, when I get a text or email from one of my friends or even my sons smile, I cry at everything. My husband was sitting next to me tonight as I was watching the bachelorette and I started to cry when Emily saw Dolly Parton! I don't even know why I started to cry, but instead of stuffing it I allowed my heart to be so happy for this girl I didn't even know on TV and I shed tears of joy that she was able to meet Dolly Parton. I now cry over the silliest things. 

Crying is a daily occurrence at this household, and you know its quite healing. 

Just like the spring rains soften and brings life from the earth. You O'Lord have soften my heart with  tears and have flourished a garden of joy in my heart. 

I now have a joyful, sappy and occasionally sad weeping heart. Its a heart that was always mine, it was just hidden for awhile, but now that I am allowed to cry I will cry tears of empathy or joy with anyone. Its a heart that freely weeps over all. 




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24 comments:

  1. Crying can do great things for the soul. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. It truly can! Thank you for reading and commenting
      xo

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  2. What a beautiful lesson to learn :)

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  3. a lesson here for all of us...and thank you for pointing out the value of counseling..good for you!!
    I am your newest follower.

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  4. Oh, mama. Tears can be such a wonderful expression of what's in our hearts - cleansing and freeing. You've mentioned your past a few times in recent posts and I'm curious as to what you experienced. Maybe something we can talk about at our playdate? :) HUGS!

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  5. This was a lovely, honest post. I cry at the drop of a hat, always have and probably always will.

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    1. thank you sweet friend! I love reading your posts and how your honest with whats going on in your heart. Crying is a great thing. Giving your self permission to cry after years of being told you can't...its one of the most healing things ever.

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  6. HAnging out with my 2 awesome daughters that are becoming bloggers them selves and took the time to read this together. Thank you for sharing so openly. " We really love your blog " my almost 10 year old said. My 8 yr. old laughed at your headed as she read it too. Be blessed sister, know that your message is one of hope and restoration. May His kingdom continue to come at your house!

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    1. aw Heather thank you for such a kind note!

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  7. Now I am crying! This is such an amazing story Jess! For you to take the steps to fight and open up your heart and face head on what you have been through is so beautiful and amazing. So many people would choose to be bitter and keep it all inside. Not choose to make themselves better but you have and you have helped others in the process. It's just beautiful! Bravo, Jess, bravo for being an amazing human being!! xo

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    1. Nicole you are the sweetest! Now your going to make me cry
      xo

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  8. Crying is so wonderful & it's amazing how much better it makes you feel. I'm a very emotional person & I find myself crying over little things all the time. You are a wonderful woman & mother & wife.

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    1. Thank you sarah! I've learned recently that Im quite the emotional person as well and I actually love it :-)

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  9. beautifully written jess. what wonderful insight on how healing tears can be for the soul.

    xoxo
    liz

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  10. Hi new follower here. I'd love a follow back at sugarplumsandlollipops.blogspot.com

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  11. My past was not quite so traumatic, but, like you, I used to hide my tears. Ever since having my daughter, I cry so much more. I find myself often feeling silly or even ashamed for the things I cry over. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

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Thank you for your comments! They encourage my heart and I read every single one of them. Please be encouraging and don't just comment or email me when you want to correct me on my grammar. When I get the "grammar correction" emails or comments they do hurt my feelings. I wouldn't want your heart to feel the way mine does after reading them.

Please check back as I try to respond to everyone who leaves a comment.