When you become a mommy, your heart changes. At first it starts as a tiny little seed planted in your heart during pregnancy. You start to protect your growing bump from things you walk into (the table, counter, door, car or people) then you become more aware of crazy drivers around you when you drive or walk through a parking lot and you start to protect your belly bump from strangers wanting to touch it. Then when you finally hold your sweet bundle of joy in your arms you realize your heart will never be the same because you will never ever let anything try to harm this sweet child. This morning I woke up before Judah and started my Day 2 of the 30 day shred. Judah woke up towards the tail end of it so he cheered me on in his highchair while I finished it up. Afterwards I knew I had to make a Target run because we ran out of toilet paper, mum mums and puffs for Judah and I needed more of his fruit pouches for our walks. Since the weather was perfect for walking outside I decided to take Judah on the walk first before the Target run, I did consider walking us both to Target but Judah was acting a little more tired than normal and I didn't want him to crash at the store and I would have to walk him back screaming to the house. So we walked around the campus again.
During our walk he was pretty calm but the last 15 minutes while we were walking home he just freaked out in the stroller and wanted to get out really bad. I've never seen him act this way before, he wanted me to literally unstrap him so I could hold him. I calmed him down and quickly got inside our house. It was around 11 and I thought his nap time isn't till 12 I can still do a Target run and have that marked off my check list before he goes down for a nap. But Judah was beside himself, tears streaming down his face and he was searching the living room for his pillow, once he found it he started to crawl up the stairs with it towards his bedroom. I figured he really needed a nap the Target run could wait. While Judah was sleeping I saw a new flash come across my facebook news feed from the Fairfax Patch, it said a shooting just happened at the Target down the street from us! I forwarded the link to my husband and we both scoured our news sources and found that a woman shot herself at our Target. I was shocked, we almost went to that Target and I didn't because Judah really wanted to go down for a nap. I thought, the Lord protected us from this and I thought I'm sure the incident happened in a part of the store we probably wouldn't have been in, but the Lord protected us from the experience of hearing the gunshot. I think the Lord knew my heart couldn't handle it, I grew up with a mom always trying to take her life, she was constantly in the hospital and would leave us goodbye notes when she would make an attempt on her life. I don't think my heart could handle a woman shooting herself in the head in the same area as my son and I. I just couldn't. It breaks right now just knowing what the woman did and knowing we missed this by the Lord's great protection. I was so thankful for Judah's meltdown and went upstairs to check on him.
This evening we took Judah out to dinner with his Grandma, we met at Panera and we all went to Judah's favorite park for a few hours. It was a perfect evening.
When we finally put Judah down for the night I had to go to Target to pick up the items I couldn't get earlier today. I walked into the store and everything seemed pretty normal, it was less busier than it usually is but I figured it was because it was 8:30 at night. I walked over grabbed some toilet paper, stopped by the grocery section and grabbed some snacks for Scott and I. When I turned the corner to walk by the toy section towards the baby area to grab Judah's snacks I noticed these huge green tarps with Target employees and police officers standing in front of it. I felt a pit in my stomach and I was thinking "no way, this didn't happen in the baby section". I walked up and asked one of the employees "excuse me, is the entire baby section blocked off?" and she replied "yes, I am so sorry their was a horrible incident this morning and the entire baby section is closed off" not knowing what to say I said "even the diaper area" and she said "I'm so sorry yes, but the clothing area is open" I thanked her and went to go check out. In the parking lot on the way home it hit me. Every time I take Judah to Target I have a routine. I stroll through the dollar section to see if I can find a toy that he can't eat up, but I always immediately take him straight to the baby section to look for snacks, diapers and wipes. I knew I would have walked towards that section first because he needed his fruit pouches (I even had a coupon on me) and he needed more snacks.
The Lord protected us.
Knowing my past and my history with my mom, if I saw anyone wanting to hurt themselves or someone else around them, its my instinct to try to stop them, I've done it countless times with my mom. Who knows where this ladies mental state of being was, she could have hurt us, or we could have been around her when she hurt herself and I would have never forgiven myself for not trying to stop her or that I inadvertently put my son in harms way by showing up at Target at the wrong time. My heart just breaks over this. It breaks over the woman and over her family. I can't even imagine the pain and hurt they are going through right now. Asking a billion questions of "why". Questions I grew up asking the Lord about my mother....why....
Today he protected me from asking him why again. He protected both Judah and myself.