Friday, April 13, 2012

taking a break to stop....and listen

After much prayer and thought, I decided for the rest of April that I am going to take a mini break from Twitter and IG. I know its only 17 days till May but I haven't missed one day of posting a picture since I joined IG and the only time I've been away from twitter in the past 3-4 years was when I was on a missions trip and that was only because I didn't have cell service. I even tweeted on my honeymoon. It's harder to take a full break from Facebook because its one of the only places I can keep up with my family, but I will be spending allot less time on it this month.

I decided last night to do this for a few reasons.

 The first is I have been bombarded this week by allot of opinions from people on email. Opinions on my faith, my parenting and how I should forgive my father who is a child abuser. I am so overwhelmed with some of these words. My heart was so broken last night from some of these emails that I had to leave the house sobbing because I hated myself so much that my heart couldn't stop breaking and I didn't want to break down in front of Scott. I hated that I wasn't fully healed just yet to not let these opinions bother me. Some of them I just ignored and honestly I am actually grateful for one or two unexpected emails because I think they are going to pave the path towards great healing in other relationships in my life. But the ones that broke my heart are the ones that are trying to push me to have a relationship with my father. This man is a monster for what he did. No one has walked in my shoes and as a woman who has been physically beaten up by her father growing up and who is essentially reliving her past through counseling, it is hard to make someone happy who is upset that I am not showing forgiveness towards my father the way they think forgiveness should look like. So I need a break from these emails, they are making me feel like I am not good enough and I am not defined by my father anymore. I am becoming more like the woman God intended me to be.

Also, I'm not sure if you have noticed but Twitter is not as fun as it used to be anymore. I have my group of friends that I adore, but sometimes I just feel like I am stepping on eggshells and things don't seem to be as lighthearted as they used to be. I miss the days when twitter was fun, it was a great outlet for me and right now I don't even want to open my twitter account. I already have allot going on and I don't want another stressful outlet. Maybe by taking a break I will see it with fresh eyes.

I love my mama friends that I have made on IG, but right now I need a break. I will update my blog with loads of pictures of my handsome son and I will be reading your blogs. But right now I need a break just to refocus on my heart a bit more.

I don't want to be as tied down to my social media outlets. I don't want to worry that I haven't responded to a twitter conversation as fast as I should or that I haven't followed up with an IG comment. I want to stop and listen to my son, to explore the world with him, to keep things lighthearted and not let him see the heaviness of the world just yet. He has years to see that when he is grown up.

Right now I want to watch his little feet move when he walks with his poncho.
To have outdoor chalk drawing sessions.
Spend afternoons hanging out in the park sandbox or chasing him in the field.

I want to take him out running with me more and find great trails or hidden parks.
Spend afternoons at doggie parks watching the doggies run.
Going to the library twice a week to pick out books.
Play cars with him in the backyard.
I want to stop and smell the flowers with Judah or laugh at him when he smells them.

Go on thrift dates and watch him befriend everyone he smiles or waves to.
Find friends at toddler play dates. 
I want to dress him up in bow ties and make his hair a Mohawk.

I want to watch his face light up when he gets the free balloon from Nordstroms.
Or stroll him around the mall and watch his tiny hands clutch that balloon.

I want to see him play and interact with other kids. 
Read books to him, as many as he wants. 
To sing and dance in the living room.
To get as many kisses and hugs as I can from my sweet boy.

And I want to teach him how to hum the imperial march in his star wars t-shirt.

I just need a tiny break. I'll still be reading blogs and posting blog posts. 

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  1. I'm just a lurker but I wanted to say that I hope the break helps. It makes me so sad to think you got those emails because you seem so sweet and genuine. You're son is adorable and I hope the break will make your bond with him even stronger. Feel better.

    1. hi there! Thank you so much for commenting! So far the break has been good to my heart. I hope to come across as the real me on my blog :-)
      We have been hanging out with Judah non stop since the break :-)

  2. I just want to say that as an abuse survivor myself, no one can tell when, if, or how you should forgive your abuser. Some things in life are just unforgivable. Other times we may eventually come to a place where forgiveness will do more for us than for the person we are forgiving. But ultimately, you are the only person who can look inside your heart and know what is the right thing to do. Please don't listen to others who are judging you. Thy can't know what it is like tonwalk in your shoes. The only thing they should be offing you is compassion and empathy. I hope that you can relax and enjoy Judah and forget about the people who were awful to you. You deserve only love and understanding in your life.

    1. Hi Bethany!

      Thank you so much for commenting and opening up your heart a bit! I am so sorry you had to go through this as well. I agree, at one point in my heart I can forgive my father to the point it seems good for me, meaning forgiving but not hanging out with him, I don't trust him around my son especially if he gets angry and I know it wouldn't take much to make my father angry at a child. But I can forgive, so it doesn't fester in my heart.

  3. Just wanted to stop by here and give you a huge hug. <3

  4. I know what you mean about needing a break. I'm sorry that people are sending you such nasty things, never get why people feel the need to do that. Good luck, love!

    1. love you sweet friend
      the break is good so far :-)
      I think some people have good intentions at first but when you don't take their advice sometimes people can just get mean about it.

    2. Yeah, the internet can be a nasty place :( Glad the break is going well!


Thank you for your comments! They encourage my heart and I read every single one of them. Please be encouraging and don't just comment or email me when you want to correct me on my grammar. When I get the "grammar correction" emails or comments they do hurt my feelings. I wouldn't want your heart to feel the way mine does after reading them.

Please check back as I try to respond to everyone who leaves a comment.