Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My vow to my son Judah

Yesterday I had a nice long phone conversation with my step mom Dyan. We were catching up on daily life and how much Judah has grown when eventually the conversation was led to my paternal parents. My step mom was encouraging me how I was "Breaking the cycle" in my family with Judah. That he will never experience the childhood I had. She kept talking and was telling me how my father and mother never wanted me and how they displayed that in their actions, words and fists. She just was thinking out loud about how could some parents put their children through horrific nightmares just because they don't want their children and they viewed them as mistakes. That they should let people who want and would love them raise them in a good family environment. This wasn't new news to me. I knew I grew up with a bad home life, and having Judah brings out memories of my childhood that I don't care to recall. I do catch myself wondering how in the world could my mother have abandoned us, I could never abandon Judah. How in the world did my father think to ever raise his fist against us, I would never raise my fist against Judah. Did they cuddle us when we cried or scream at us to shut up. Did they watch us while we slept and wonder to themselves "how did I create this perfect human being" or where their hearts full of resentment. Did they share pictures of us with everyone they knew, or did they just regret the "mistakes" they made.

I don't have allot of good memories of my childhood.
My mom locking us in the bathroom with her as my father drunkenly beat down the door.
My father arguing with my mom and giving us his wedding ring.
My father screaming out the window my mom is a whore and the MP coming to arrest him.
My mom cutting herself in front of us and telling us later its our fault.
My parents divorcing and my mom dating/marrying abusive men.
My mom waking us up in the middle of the night to go to a safe home because one of her husbands beat her.
My father drinking and doing drugs in front of us.
I don't have allot of good memories of my childhood.
I sometimes wish my brain would erase most of my these memories.

But I do have some good memories. 
My father married my step mom Dyan when I was 8.
She mainly married him because her heart hurt for his three children.
She changed our life.
She loved us.
She showed us how to laugh and have fun.
She taught us about thrifting, painting, drawing, going on hikes in the woods.
She taught us the value in friendships, loyalty and loving others especially in need.
She has a great family and they loved on us like we were their own.
She was a mom, they were our family.

Even though my paternal parents were a child's nightmare.
That's not going to stop me from giving my son the best childhood I can provide. 
My son knows I love him.
I watch his sweet face when he sleeps. I also share 1-3 pictures of his sweet sleeping face a night on IG.
 I ask my husband every day "How is Judah so perfect, he is just so sweet and beautiful".
My heart swells when I see my son.
I hug him every day and tell him how he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I vow to not be my parents to him.

I'm breaking the chain in my family. 
Its not by my strength but the Lords. 
He has put this desire in my heart to be a mommy.
He has given me to tools to break the chains of my past. 
I don't see my son as a burden, but a blessing.
He will have a life full of love, laughter and he will know that we wanted him.

Now I don't need to dwell on the past, or make my blog become the focus on things that have been done to me. Instead I choose to look to the future and cling onto the hopes and promises that I have in the Lord and live daily in the joy of being Judahs mom. To record our wonderful life as a family here. So he will always remember...we wanted him.

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  1. Jess,
    This made me cry. I have vowed the same things for all three of my children. I want them to have a healthier childhood than I was offered. I am not going to say that I am a perfect parent. But, I try my hardest to let my children know how much they are loved and wanted. I want them to understand that no matter what I will always be there for them. I have made my peace with my mother and my father has been deceased since we were in high school. It is my hope that my kids will continue to break the cycle as I have.

    1. Im happy you were able to make peace with your parents! Im so sorry they are deceased.

      I bet your kids will continue to break the cycle, they are living and mirroring what you are showing them by example. Thank God we are able to break out of the dysfunctional cycle and show our children how love is supposed to be displayed.

      Maybe at some point I will talk to my parents. Right now they are to "set in their ways" and entirely to unhealthy to be around my son. My father robs banks and my mother cuts herself. So I do not want them around Judah at all. Its sad. But I need to protect my son and my heart mourning would be mourning for "what could have been" that was never there in the first place. Judah has amazing people in his life right now and those people can be the "Grandma/grandpa" role models in his life

  2. Im so sorry that you went through such a hard youth, and so blessed and lucky for your step mom.
    Your son is gorgeous and a super lucky boy to have you as his mom.

    1. Thank you for the kind words sarah! The Lord indeed has blessed me with a very sweet (and I must admit handsome) son :-)
      and I am very lucky to have my step mom around

  3. Beautifully written. It just goes to show that the "mold" can be broken. You are a wonderful mom and Judah is lucky to be yours!

  4. What a heartfull post. What a beautiful gift for your son and future children! I love it. I have a pretty messed up father and I've made a similar vow to my boys. One of the best things you and I and other moms out there can do is choose a great man to be the father of our children. I know that God brought my husband into my life at a time when I could have gone down pretty bad roads. the first step to breaking the cycle was choosing a godly man to share my life with and raise my children with.
    I just found your blog a few weeks ago and I just love it. Keep sharing your heart and loving on that precious little boy of yours! Boys are the best! I should know..I have 3 :)

    God bless,


    1. Megan I 100% agree! Scott is one of the most solid Godly men I've ever met, also the nicest, I don't think their is a harmful bone in his body and he he strives to love others the way Christ wants them to be loved. He is always looking out for others and he is such a good dad to Judah :-)

      I am so happy the Lord intervened and had you meet paths with your husband.
      Boys are the best :-)

  5. This literally brought me to tears. I cannot believe the things that some children had to live through. I was very blessed in the family God brought me, and Judah will be too. You've made so much of your past and I only wish for the strength and courage you have.

  6. This post really touched me. I'm in tears!
    You are a beautiful woman + mother.

  7. This was so touching. I was tearing up when I was reading this. I can't imagine how it must have been. You are such a great mom!

  8. From reading the other comments it looks like I'm not the only one you made cry with this post. I am so amazed by how far God's grace has brought you. You could have let those terrible childhood experiances make you into a bitter and angry women but instead I see a beautiful women of God displaying His heart of love and joy towards her son and being a light in this dark world.

    I voted for you!

  9. This post brought me to tears. You went through something unthinkable and were able to overcome it. If I were you I would be bitter and angry. You have focused your energy on the future and moving on. You're amazing!

  10. Oh Jess, I'm at work and starting reading this and literally had to start fake coughing to cover up my crying, because the sob in the back of my throat was so loud. I am soo soo sorry you went through what you did. You are such an amazingly beautiful person and a wonderful mommy. I haven't met IRL, but your beauty and Christ's love shines through you constantly.


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