Friday, November 4, 2011

its not the end.....

Before I started this blog I had another one that I made private a few months ago. I blogged while I worked at McLean Bible Church,blogged about my past, how the Lord saved me in the midst of my traumatic childhood and crazy early adult life, what the Lord was doing in my life and heart, how I met my husband, our courting, engagement, marriage and our honeymoon baby Judah.

Shortly after Judah was born I received a hurtful email from a relative who picked pieces and parts from my social communication and twisted the words and used them against me. Feeling overwhelmed with having a baby and essentially feeling like I was "taking care" of Judah on my own because I didn't have any support in the area,  I ended up shutting down my previous blog and started questioning why I was blogging and why was I sharing about my life to people who could rip it apart at any given moment. Since these relatives where "christian" and active or working for a church I took a very large step away from the church and the friends associated with it. When I was pregnant and left working MBC I only heard from people if they had a shower,wedding, birthday or had a volunteer need. Most the people that I worked around for years, who I saw reaching out to people falling through the cracks, didn't reach out to me when I started to fall through mine. As a  newly married couple expecting their first baby we tried to meet with a few people, and I tried to seek out encouragement or help for how I was struggling with being a new wife and with being pregnant, but I essentially got the "slap on the hand" you know better than this. Which my reaction is, if someone is hurting, comfort them. So I did what any person would do who is hurting and can't find help... I walked away.

I've stopped going to church, my husband still attends his church on the weekends he can and I encourage him to do so, I married him because he is a strong man of the Lord. But I personally was and still am afraid of seeing people that my relatives may have gossiped to about me. I also just didn't want to be around people that acted sugar sweet to the public, but get into a close relationships with them and you get wounded by their claws. So I stopped trying to sign up for bible studies or christian mom groups. I just didn't want to have to explain why things were said about me and have to retell my testimony over and over again about the trauma of my past and how the Lord saved me. I just wanted to be a mom, a new mom who sometimes struggles with things in life but I mostly wanted encouragement and to hang out with other mommy friends.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I am just letting you as my readers, as my friends, where I am in my walk. Why I don't pull out the typical christian phrases, or when someone tells me they have been hurt by Christians why I can relate, or when I understand when you just want to walk away. I understand what it feels like to want to walk away from your faith...and I can tell you from the bottom of my heart.. don't walk away, it gets better. I've been seeing a christian trauma counselor to work through some things in my childhood, so I don't have the night terrors every night. So I am able to be a great mom to Judah, because someone who claims to have it all together their first year of marriage or thinks they are just the perfect parent to their children are lying to themselves and to people around them. I knew when I had Judah that I needed to see someone, someone to work things out with, and even though I was having issues with some Christians, I knew in my heart that I couldn't get the healing I needed unless I saw someone who was a Christian, who trusted in the Lord. I knew that Jesus is key to my healing. I just didn't want all  Christian drama.

I was incredibly surprised when I started seeing her 7+ months ago. I was surprised that she didn't just whip out the bible and read a bunch of verses over me and tell me I am healed. She actually told me its okay to take a break. That the Lord understands I need healing and that He will not leave me in this time of healing. That I don't need the judgmental input of some believers who will never understand the fight it takes to truly trust in the Lord after having a past like mine. That I don't need to feel guilty for the way I feel about the trauma that happened in my childhood and young adult life. That by working through these things, I am able to be a better mom, wife and friend.

When I first left working for the church I often felt...this is the end of my story. But now after months of counseling, being a mom and a wife.... I see its just the beginning.

Im able to see that you can be surrounded by people who are loving, caring, and truly wanting to be a part of your life. That you don't have to give up your faith in Christ or walk away because just a few people hurt you.  That when you are absolutely broken, thats when you can be fully healed.

And I can honestly say...right now... I've never been happier... and I know it just gets better

O Love, Oh Light
to thee I sing
my souls delight
to you I cling
Of your grace
I implore
my past erased
you heal and restore

Psalm 103:12 (NASB)

As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us
- Written by Jessica West Judkins (June 17, 2009)

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  1. Love this post Jess! It definitely speaks to me & is a great encouragement- especially right now with all that is going on in my life. I love your openness & honesty. Ps you are an awesome momma, wife, & friend :-)

  2. I’m so happy for you and your new beginning!  Thank you for being open and honest. It’s sad and terrible that many times the reason why we run from the Lord or people aren’t open to the Word is because of Christians. I didn’t get saved until I was 18 because of some terrible things I did and others situations that were out of my control. Sadly, even after getting saved, “Christians” who knew parts of my story were not welcoming and avoided me. It confused me as a new believer because I had felt this amazing freedom and love that I had never felt before and yet all people saw on me was my past sin. GOD HIMSELF DIDN’T EVEN SEE IT ON ME, it was on the cross, but I guess it didn’t matter to people who couldn’t understand. I’ve had to learn that people are going to let us down because we are flawed, and I’m sadly going to let people down, too. The only person I know I can 100% rely on is Christ. Even when I’ve tried hard to run away and leave, He was always waiting for me when I was ready to return. It’s wonderful that you have found someone who can help you through healing because although there are condemning Christians, there are also those who can lift you up. Who know the power of true prayer (not the fake kind of “oh, I will pray for you” but really it’s just an excuse to gossip to their prayer groups), and those who know the power of Christ’s love and forgiveness (they see you as a sister in Christ not for the sins of your life). So praise the Lord for your healing and your new start!!! I’m rejoicing with you and I’m pretty sure the heavenly hosts are too! 
    I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how this past year I have been MIA from my faith. Mainly just apathetic because life is too crazy and hectic. I know that when I put my relationship with Christ first, I will be a better wife and a better mom. It’s so hard though when all I want to do is sit around and do nothing by myself. I’ve never felt more selfish in my life. Slowly though, I’m going to church again and man, it was powerful to worship again. Felt amazing. I just need to learn how to worship through my everyday life because Christianity is more than going to church, or the people inside. I’m trying to discover that.
    I know I talk a lot about myself, but just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. This earthly life is so dark and there are so many things against us. Thankfully, we aren’t meant for this world.
    P.S. why do parents act like everything is always peachy keen and perfect? I’m not too proud to say I need Zoloft to help me and that having a baby has been the hardest thing of MY LIFE. I love my son to death, but this past year, I’m really surprised I wasn’t the second “run-away” mom from Xenia, Ohio : /

  3. I commend you for being so honest and transparent with your struggles. I'm glad you are seeking the help that you need and that you have found a great counseling relationship. I know how you feel about having people in the church gossip about you. It's hard to go back when you know people are judging you. I'm happy that my husband and I have found a church that's more like a family than anything else. It's a true biblical community and we are so very blessed. I pray that you will continue to heal and seek the Lord every day of your life. You're doing great! And God is with you through it all. :-)

  4. @Danielle, I love you, and I am thankful you have been alongside me on this journey xoxo

    @Beautifulrescue, I am so grateful the Lord has allowed us to cross paths, we have more in common than you know xoxo

    @kristel That is truly what I am looking for and have always looked for since I became a believer, I just know that the Lord is going to provide in this amazing huge way, a church family that is true family xoxo


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